Thanks be to GOD! I am beginning to be honest with myself, my Creator, my husband, etc. , for the first time ever! It's terrible and wonderful at the same time. Things that I have resented and thought about my husband are the same about me. I always thought Chad was the one who was private, who only let you in so far, who only showed what he was willing to let be seen, even with me.
He is not the only one. I have been doing the same thing with him and others. Even with GOD Himself .Which is absolutely nuts!To think I can hide anything from Him. And of course, I haven't.
Not at all. But, I have held GOD off. And He is a gentleman, He has given us free will and He will do, take ,or come near more than we allow Him.
But I am sick and tired of being in this prison I have created for myself.I want to be FREE no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes, no matter how scary or painful it is. NO MORE!!!!!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Letting God be God
I have not blogged or written in quite a while. It has been a busy summer and every time I thought of blogging or as inspired to, I didn't. I recently heard someone say that you just have to do it. So, here I am.
My husband, Chad and I started walking in the mornings this summer. He started walking ,then I started walking with him.We are going to try and continue through the school year. So far we have done ok, weather permitting. Anyway, on our walk this morning Holy Spirit something to me. This is embarrassing, goofy, just plain oh, I don't know, sad. Ok, here we go.
As we were walking this morning I realized that I needed to let Chad be Chad. Now we have been married almost 17 years and it is by the Grace of God we are still married. I used to try to manipulate him with my behavior (words, attitude, emotions), and try to control him when we were first married. I don't do that anymore, but Holy Spirit revealed that even as I prayed ( I thought was sincere ) for him, lots of times it was with the wrong motives. I needed to let go and let God be God , and let Chad be Chad, and let God work on Chad to be the Chad that God planned for him to be. This also goes for my daughter, my family members, myself, the girls in my class at church, etc.
It really comes down to trusting God on a deeper level.
I am thankful for this correction. The yoke has been lightened today. Hallelujah!
My husband, Chad and I started walking in the mornings this summer. He started walking ,then I started walking with him.We are going to try and continue through the school year. So far we have done ok, weather permitting. Anyway, on our walk this morning Holy Spirit something to me. This is embarrassing, goofy, just plain oh, I don't know, sad. Ok, here we go.
As we were walking this morning I realized that I needed to let Chad be Chad. Now we have been married almost 17 years and it is by the Grace of God we are still married. I used to try to manipulate him with my behavior (words, attitude, emotions), and try to control him when we were first married. I don't do that anymore, but Holy Spirit revealed that even as I prayed ( I thought was sincere ) for him, lots of times it was with the wrong motives. I needed to let go and let God be God , and let Chad be Chad, and let God work on Chad to be the Chad that God planned for him to be. This also goes for my daughter, my family members, myself, the girls in my class at church, etc.
It really comes down to trusting God on a deeper level.
I am thankful for this correction. The yoke has been lightened today. Hallelujah!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Facing Fears
This past weekend I had a great opportunity to learn about myself , watch God at work, and encourage others. My daughter's girl scout troop went Wonderworks at Broadway at the beach in Myrtle Beach, SC. It's this new science museum that looks a an upside down house fell from the sky on the outside.
The entrance looks like that ,also. You have to go through a tunnel to get right sided up. There are all kinds of things for all ages in there: experiments, a roller coaster simulator, pedalbikes that go upside down, lazer tag, and a ropes course. Outside there is a zip line and an additional ropes course.
We did not do the outside things, but we did everything else. I played lazer tag and scored a 0. I kept getting shot. I had never played lazer tag before. I had never done a ropes course before either, and I did it twice. I did better the second time. I got further. But I was so impressed with my daughter, Anna. She was the only girl her age in the troop that did the ropes course. And she kept going until our time ran out. On the last one she got scared and began to cry. By that time she and I were by ourselves as one parent went back and another parent went the other way. But after a few minutes, Anna still upset, went across the last rope section. I was right behind her. I was so proud of her that she did it afraid, and pushed past her feelings. She was and is awesome!
We went on to do something else, but later had the opportunity to do the ropes course again, so I did.
I felt like it was something I needed to do. I had to face fear. Whether it was fear of heights, fear of falling, fear of messing up, fear of embarssment, or plain old fear. I learned that I DO have persistance, that I CAN push past my feelings, that I AM ABLE to DO ALL things through CHRIST who gives me STRENGTH, and that God IS with us no matter where we are or what we are doing. Even on a field trip at a ropes course. Hallelujah!!!
The entrance looks like that ,also. You have to go through a tunnel to get right sided up. There are all kinds of things for all ages in there: experiments, a roller coaster simulator, pedalbikes that go upside down, lazer tag, and a ropes course. Outside there is a zip line and an additional ropes course.
We did not do the outside things, but we did everything else. I played lazer tag and scored a 0. I kept getting shot. I had never played lazer tag before. I had never done a ropes course before either, and I did it twice. I did better the second time. I got further. But I was so impressed with my daughter, Anna. She was the only girl her age in the troop that did the ropes course. And she kept going until our time ran out. On the last one she got scared and began to cry. By that time she and I were by ourselves as one parent went back and another parent went the other way. But after a few minutes, Anna still upset, went across the last rope section. I was right behind her. I was so proud of her that she did it afraid, and pushed past her feelings. She was and is awesome!
We went on to do something else, but later had the opportunity to do the ropes course again, so I did.
I felt like it was something I needed to do. I had to face fear. Whether it was fear of heights, fear of falling, fear of messing up, fear of embarssment, or plain old fear. I learned that I DO have persistance, that I CAN push past my feelings, that I AM ABLE to DO ALL things through CHRIST who gives me STRENGTH, and that God IS with us no matter where we are or what we are doing. Even on a field trip at a ropes course. Hallelujah!!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
At His Say So
Luke 5: 5-6 " Sir," Simon replied, "we worked hard all last night and didn't catch a thing. But if you say so, we'll try again." And this time their nets were so full they began to tear!
Do you ever hesitate or ignore when God tells you something? I do. A lot more often than I'd like to admit. I used to reason it out, like, " was that really you God?" or "if that's really you than........"Sometimes I miss Him because of all the negative thoughts in my head. Now, mostly, my hesitation comes from fear and doubt. I have lived in the shadows for so long that, even though I am saved, it is hard to step into the light where I belong.
I was encouraged and reminded through study this morning that Jesus is right there and here knowing me ( knowing ALL about me) and loving me, and telling me to go again. To try again.
So, instead of putting up the excuses or reasons( excuses stuffed with lies), and staying in the shadow of doubts and fear, join me today in stepping into the light once again at God's say so. After all, it's where we belong.
Do you ever hesitate or ignore when God tells you something? I do. A lot more often than I'd like to admit. I used to reason it out, like, " was that really you God?" or "if that's really you than........"Sometimes I miss Him because of all the negative thoughts in my head. Now, mostly, my hesitation comes from fear and doubt. I have lived in the shadows for so long that, even though I am saved, it is hard to step into the light where I belong.
I was encouraged and reminded through study this morning that Jesus is right there and here knowing me ( knowing ALL about me) and loving me, and telling me to go again. To try again.
So, instead of putting up the excuses or reasons( excuses stuffed with lies), and staying in the shadow of doubts and fear, join me today in stepping into the light once again at God's say so. After all, it's where we belong.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Do it Afraid
I am new to blogs and blogging. Many years ago I enjoyed writing, but like alot of things it got pushed aside in the pursuit of more pressing priorities. There are all these ideas swimming around in my head as to what to write or rather, blog about , but none are pressing other then this. So here goes.
My nine year old daughter is incredibly smart,creative, funny and talented. I am thrilled and grateful that God allowed me to be her mom. I have made many mistakes and will no doubt make more, but God's Grace is sufficient.
Anna (my daughter ) is in the third grade and it hs been a challenging one. The greatest challenge yet to come is the EOG (end of grade test) she will take at the end of the year. Anna puts a lot of pressure on herself . She has begun to show great fear about performing well on the EOG. We kep telling her she is going to do fine. And I'm sure she will. She takes her time, uses her strategies, has done well all year. But because of a teacher's comments and the how much the importance of the EOG is stressed over all, Anna is scared and afraid she won't do well or even pass the third grade.
I don't like to see her afraid, especially when we know there is no reason to fear. However, I am reminded of my own fears that surface alot at times and how paralyzing they can seem, and than I am ultimately reminded that I am not alone ( Isaiah 41:10), of what and whose Spirit I have (2Timothy 1:7) and that God will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5,6). I am filled with compassion to remind her of these verses, that her daddy and I love her no matter what, and that it is going to be okay. So that she too, can face her fears as each one of us does and as Joyce Meyer says, "do it afraid".
My nine year old daughter is incredibly smart,creative, funny and talented. I am thrilled and grateful that God allowed me to be her mom. I have made many mistakes and will no doubt make more, but God's Grace is sufficient.
Anna (my daughter ) is in the third grade and it hs been a challenging one. The greatest challenge yet to come is the EOG (end of grade test) she will take at the end of the year. Anna puts a lot of pressure on herself . She has begun to show great fear about performing well on the EOG. We kep telling her she is going to do fine. And I'm sure she will. She takes her time, uses her strategies, has done well all year. But because of a teacher's comments and the how much the importance of the EOG is stressed over all, Anna is scared and afraid she won't do well or even pass the third grade.
I don't like to see her afraid, especially when we know there is no reason to fear. However, I am reminded of my own fears that surface alot at times and how paralyzing they can seem, and than I am ultimately reminded that I am not alone ( Isaiah 41:10), of what and whose Spirit I have (2Timothy 1:7) and that God will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5,6). I am filled with compassion to remind her of these verses, that her daddy and I love her no matter what, and that it is going to be okay. So that she too, can face her fears as each one of us does and as Joyce Meyer says, "do it afraid".
Friday, April 13, 2012
Waiting and I Can't
I am reading the book of John in the bible, of which I just finished chapter 5. Jesus saw a man who had been lying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years, he was waiting for someone to help him get the pool when the water was stirred so he could be healed, but he had no one to help him. Jesus asked him if he wants to get well and the man responds with "I can't" and continues with a list of excuses. Jesus tells to do 3 things: stand up, pick up his mat, and walk.
I have heard sermons on this this passage before, even read it before, but today I am struck anew with awe of God and how He orchestrates things. A recording by Zig Ziglar that I have recently listened to talked about waiting on others or other things. Sometimes you do have to wait: in line, at the doctor's office, or for a flight. However, if you keep waiting for the right time or for someone else to do something before you do something, you most likely won't do it. On the recording Ziglar also talked about the power of words, especially your own. I have been getting this message in various forms for some time now, but I have yet to be truly consistant with it.
The man waiting by the pool, waiting for someone to help him, waiting for the waters to be stirred, was conditioned to a lifetime of waiting, and "I can'ts". Then Jesus showed up.
I have been that man in some form or other. I have done plenty of waiting, and plenty of negative talk, sometimes I can'ting all over the place. But today I am encouraged not to wait any longer, and that even when we are "stuck" in our conditions , just like that man by the pool in Bethesda, Jesus
will get us out of our conditions. He meets us where we are but does'nt leave us there.
I have heard sermons on this this passage before, even read it before, but today I am struck anew with awe of God and how He orchestrates things. A recording by Zig Ziglar that I have recently listened to talked about waiting on others or other things. Sometimes you do have to wait: in line, at the doctor's office, or for a flight. However, if you keep waiting for the right time or for someone else to do something before you do something, you most likely won't do it. On the recording Ziglar also talked about the power of words, especially your own. I have been getting this message in various forms for some time now, but I have yet to be truly consistant with it.
The man waiting by the pool, waiting for someone to help him, waiting for the waters to be stirred, was conditioned to a lifetime of waiting, and "I can'ts". Then Jesus showed up.
I have been that man in some form or other. I have done plenty of waiting, and plenty of negative talk, sometimes I can'ting all over the place. But today I am encouraged not to wait any longer, and that even when we are "stuck" in our conditions , just like that man by the pool in Bethesda, Jesus
will get us out of our conditions. He meets us where we are but does'nt leave us there.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Accepting Yellow
My wonderful husband gave me a word survey a few days ago in response to a conversation we had about personalities and characteristics. I had been feeling quite fragmented for some time, feeling like I wanted to be a certain way or trying to be who I thought that people wanted, or trying to be like someone that everybody liked. Never allowing myself to be me. Different. Unique. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
Anyway, in this word survey were 5 rowswith five boxes on each row. Each box contained three words. You were to number the boxes according to the one that was most like you to the least like you.
At the end you added them up and got a score for each row, which in turn was assigned to a color.
My color was yellow. As I read the characteristics of my color I was not happy at all. In fact I become very angry. I saw all those characteristics in a negative light, and not the person that wanted to be at all. It did not help that my husband found it very amusing. Every time I said or did something he woud refer to the list: responsible, dependable, structured, careful, serving, opinionated, business-like in manner, etc. The words that I really did not like were under negative ways to view yellow: dull and boring, unimaginative, controlling, rigid. Nobody wants to be viewed that way. Especially when you don't see yourself that. But after a couple of days, I recognized these traits in myself and laughed.
Now, I don't have to get hung up on the negative view of me because I am more than a list of words on a personality survey, but I can accept the traits that are mine and work on other ones that I want to strengthen, and in this way, I am accepting me (yellow)
Anyway, in this word survey were 5 rowswith five boxes on each row. Each box contained three words. You were to number the boxes according to the one that was most like you to the least like you.
At the end you added them up and got a score for each row, which in turn was assigned to a color.
My color was yellow. As I read the characteristics of my color I was not happy at all. In fact I become very angry. I saw all those characteristics in a negative light, and not the person that wanted to be at all. It did not help that my husband found it very amusing. Every time I said or did something he woud refer to the list: responsible, dependable, structured, careful, serving, opinionated, business-like in manner, etc. The words that I really did not like were under negative ways to view yellow: dull and boring, unimaginative, controlling, rigid. Nobody wants to be viewed that way. Especially when you don't see yourself that. But after a couple of days, I recognized these traits in myself and laughed.
Now, I don't have to get hung up on the negative view of me because I am more than a list of words on a personality survey, but I can accept the traits that are mine and work on other ones that I want to strengthen, and in this way, I am accepting me (yellow)
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